*Disclaimer: All opinions and experiences are my own. This is my advice, but every good rule has a successful person who's broken it, so take everything with a grain of salt!
First of all, I want to say that every book is different, and sometimes it's important to break or bend query letter rules in order to better represent your book. Hell, I certainly did! While I'm no expert on query letters, mine worked quite well, earning an about 50% request rate during my overall querying experience, and allowing me to get an agent with the first book I queried, all in a handful of months. I've also helped a lot of fellow writers to edit their queries and it's ended up getting them more requests!
So, while I'm obviously no genius in any way when it comes to literally anything, let alone the confusing chaos that is publishing, objectively, my query worked. Hopefully, this post will help spread my luck to as many people as possible.
Since I'm now agented (feel free to check out my How I Got My Agent post if you want more specifics on that journey), I thought showing my form query might be useful for querying writers out there.
Now, this query isn't perfect, nor is it the best standard example of a query, but I'm hoping that dissecting it in depth will help those struggling to analyze their own query letter and why it may not be working as well as they thought.
So, I'll be going over the standard query rules, portions that break them, portions that fit them, and why it all worked together.
First of all, this is my query letter in full before we break it down:
Dear Agent,
Within a city steeped in occult brujería, Seventh-born brujos like Mo Delgado are as powerful as they are hunted. Hiding her true nature behind the walls of the Red Church from a young age, Mo is torn between the ideals of her family’s drug cartel and the clergy that raised her. The one thing her worlds agree on: stepping foot in the Bellflower—a casino that deals in knowledge by gambling memories—is a sin. After her brother disappears into the Bellflower to win knowledge rumoured to end the city’s longstanding drug war, Mo defies her oaths by chasing after him. Wagering her own mind to save his, Mo becomes entangled in the web of secrets the casino and her city were built on, unravelling the truth of her family’s deadly legacy.
Meanwhile, ever since Andy lost her memories to the dice, she’s worked off her debt by letting the Bellflower abuse her rare power of memory multiplication. Sick of being treated like property or a measly tool for the casino’s gain, Andy fights not only to preserve her wavering sanity but to reclaim her body by embracing the power that thrums through her blood. So, when Andy discovers she once hid blackmail against the Bellflower’s owner, freedom might finally be in the cards. But she doesn’t remember what the blackmail is, let alone where she stowed it, and in a casino full of bones glowing with stolen memories, it could be anywhere. If the Bellflower realizes Andy’s past is catching up to her, they’ll cut her puppet strings… and drop her six feet under.
Each woman is focused on winning her own game, but every move leads them closer to realizing they’re chasing the same secret. A secret that has as much potential to cage them in as it does set them free. At the Bellflower, there’s only one thing that’s certain: if you show your hand, be prepared to watch it burn.
Told in a braided narrative and complete at 121,000 words, BALLADS CAGED IN BONE is an adult grimdark fantasy standalone with series potential. It combines the atmosphere of a more wicked The Night Circus, the queer romance and badass women of Gideon the Ninth, and the complicated interpersonal relationships of Jade City. Inspirations include the socio-political history and modern feminist movement—with a primary focus on the fight for bodily autonomy—of Argentina, as well as its mythology and culture. This manuscript was picked as one of the RevPit 2022 winners.
A queer daughter of Argentinian immigrants, I’m currently enrolled in an exclusive creative writing diploma program from Memorial University of Newfoundland. I’m also a professional marketing editor and freelance fiction editor. I won the Young Writers of Canada contest in 2013 and was also shortlisted for the 2021 Watty Awards. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Juliana Koen Alonso
Now, let's break this down.
How I Broke the Rules
Word Count
The first thing you may be thinking about is how long my query is, and you'd be right to notice it. This query sits at a lovely 473 words. As a general query rule, queries should be between 200-500 words (or, say, less than a page single-spaced). Though I didn't technically break the word count, queries should be succinct, so the best word count for a query is usually 250-350 words.
So, why did I decide to keep it long? Well, the simplest way to answer that is that it's so long because of the format of my book: a braided narrative.
For those that don't know, a braided narrative follows two or more completely separate stories, letting them intertwine throughout until a common theme is revealed as they weave together, sometimes connecting at some point in the story and sometimes staying separate.
My book, as you may have noticed, is a braided narrative with two storylines that come together.
Due to this, I don't have 3 paragraphs to tell my story. Instead, I have one paragraph to tell the plot of each character from beginning to (near) end, and then a paragraph to explain how they come together. There was quite literally almost no way to shorten the query without losing vital elements of the story.
Often, with multiple P.O.V. books, you'll see advice to pick the "main" character and tell their story in the query.
Speaking of multiple P.O.V....
Included More Than One P.O.V.
Now, let's just say that I do not recommend putting more than one or especially all of your P.O.V. characters in your query. More often than not, most multiple P.O.V. books have a certain character that could be called the "main character." Their story is the one that drives the book.
If this is the case for your multiple P.O.V. book, focus on your main character and tell their journey properly. Be specific enough that you're intriguing and not vague, but leave some room for interpretation. For example, don't end with a question, but also don't spoil your ending. Give us the stakes of the finale and leave us hanging! A choice, perhaps? Save spoilers for the synopsis!
You may think a question provides intrigue, but it's more frustrating for agents than anything. They read so many queries a day, so they need something to latch onto!
Will she lose everything she loves? WHAT DOES SHE LOVE? Be specific to your book and really make the stakes clear!
Now, as I previously discussed a bit, my book is a braided narrative. This means that we're following 2 or more (2, in my case) completely separate stories for the majority of the book. Due to this, I felt that focusing only one one character in my query would be a disservice to the book. You'd lose at least 50% of it and be confused by the second chapter, not fully knowing what you were getting into.
So, I included both stories in my query. I made sure to be as succinct as possible and I made sure to put the fact that it was a braided narrative in the query. Because I specified, agents knew exactly why I wrote the query the way I did and knew what they were getting into when they began reading!
Controversial Placement of Meta-Data Paragraph
For those that don't know, the meta-data paragraph is what this is called:
Told in a braided narrative and complete at 121,000 words, BALLADS CAGED IN BONE is an adult grimdark fantasy standalone with series potential. It combines the atmosphere of a more wicked The Night Circus, the queer romance and badass women of Gideon the Ninth, and the complicated interpersonal relationships of Jade City. Inspirations include the socio-political history and modern feminist movement—with a primary focus on the fight for bodily autonomy—of Argentina, as well as its mythology and culture. This manuscript was picked as one of the RevPit 2022 winners.
All over querying advice, you'll see two main opinions.
Put the meta-data paragraph first on your query letter
Put your meta-data paragraph at the bottom of your query letter
More often than not, you'll see the advice to put it first. So, why didn't I?
Unlike my joking in the gif, I'm not special, and I'm not the exception to this querying rule nor am I the decision-maker. The truth is, every query will be different, but I have my own little rule surrounding this topic that I followed.
The goal of a query is to hook the agent's attention. If you lose them in the query, they're more likely to reject or not even reach your pages, which is where your writing really gets to shine!
By reading my query, you'll probably notice that the main thing that hooks your attention is the Bellflower, my (not-so) lovely memory-gambling casino. To my knowledge, it's also a fairly original idea.
Since the Bellflower is introduced in my first paragraph, it catches the agent's attention, even if the stats of my book (word count, genre, comps, etc) were more similar to other books in its genre. The casino is the main reason my book stands out against the large and fantastic adult fantasy genre, so I feel that putting this very hooky concept in the first paragraph is the most enticing.
If your story, however, is less hooky or low-concept, putting your meta-data first is probably the way to go. Try it out both ways and ask for feedback about which grabs a reader's attention the best!
What Rules I Followed
All the rules I followed are ones I 110% recommend following as well. If you break these rules, your query could be missing something vital that shows an agent they need to keep reading.
Succinct Storytelling
Though I tell a braided narrative, I tell a complete pitch in each. Your query should include character, setting, goal, internal and external conflict, and stakes. I've bolded mine in each paragraph!
Within a city steeped in occult brujería (setting), Seventh-born brujos like Mo Delgado (character) are as powerful as they are hunted. Hiding her true nature behind the walls of the Red Church from a young age, Mo is torn between the ideals of her family’s drug cartel and the clergy that raised her (internal conflict). The one thing her worlds agree on: stepping foot in the Bellflower (setting)—a casino that deals in knowledge by gambling memories—is a sin. After her brother disappears (external conflict) into the Bellflower to win knowledge rumoured to end the city’s longstanding drug war (goal), Mo defies her oaths by chasing after him. Wagering her own mind to save his (stakes), Mo becomes entangled in the web of secrets the casino and her city were built on, unravelling the truth of her family’s deadly legacy.
Meanwhile, ever since Andy (character) lost her memories to the dice, she’s worked off her debt by letting the Bellflower (setting) abuse her rare power of memory multiplication. Sick of being treated like property or a measly tool for the casino’s gain, Andy fights not only to preserve her wavering sanity (internal conflict) but to reclaim her body (goal) by embracing the power that thrums through her blood. So, when Andy discovers she once hid blackmail against the Bellflower’s owner (external conflict), freedom (goal) might finally be in the cards. But she doesn’t remember what the blackmail is, let alone where she stowed it, and in a casino full of bones glowing with stolen memories, it could be anywhere. If the Bellflower realizes Andy’s past is catching up to her, they’ll cut her puppet strings… and drop her six feet under (stakes).
Now, something you might notice is that while both paragraphs tell a lot of the story and contain a lot of talk about magic, there are only a few words you may not recognize.
Pick and Choose Your Book-Specific Terminology
This is especially true for speculative fiction books. You'll want to tell your story using almost all regular terms, even if your book is full of made-up words and places. Be very choosy with the fictional terms you use in your query. Make sure they make it atmospheric.
For example, the two words I use are brujería and the Bellflower. However, I also define these terms within the query, using the word "occult" to refer to brujería as magic and giving my own definition of the Bellflower and what happens there when I first introduce it.
So, why did I pick these two terms?
Well, my book is inspired by Argentinian brujería, so using the words "magic" or "witchcraft" felt like a disservice to the cultural aspect of the book.
As for the Bellflower, it's the main setting and the main source of conflict within the book, so I thought it was important to be named and saved me some words!
Minimal Character Names
Another thing you may notice is that, even though I pack a lot of story into my query, I only have two named characters, both of whom are our P.O.V. characters. Introducing a lot of character names at once in such a small amount of words can be confusing, so try to keep your named characters to a minimum in your query.
For example, notice how I used things like "her brother" and "the Bellflower's owner" instead of names!
Standard Meta-Data Paragraph
Though the placement of the meta-data paragraph may be controversial, it contains pretty standard information that every meta-data paragraph should: title, genre, word count, age category, and comps. For comps specifically, I specifically state what aspect of each book I'm comping and most of my comps came out 3-5 years ago, which is standard as well.
If you're going to break the main rules of comps (published 3-5 years ago and within your age category/genre) then make sure it's 1/3 comps and not all three. The comps are to show the agent where your book fits in the market, so if they can't see the shelf they'd put it on, it can be a harder sell.
My word count is also within industry standards, so look up word counts for your genre and age category!
Told in a braided narrative and complete at 121,000 words (word count), BALLADS CAGED IN BONE (title) is an adult (age category) grimdark fantasy (genre) standalone with series potential. It combines the atmosphere of a more wicked The Night Circus, the queer romance and badass women of Gideon the Ninth, and the complicated interpersonal relationships of Jade City (comps). Inspirations include the socio-political history and modern feminist movement—with a primary focus on the fight for bodily autonomy—of Argentina, as well as its mythology and culture. This manuscript was picked as one of the RevPit 2022 winners.
Now, for this specific book, I thought the cultural inspirations were important to add and I had won RevPit with this manuscript (something relatively well-known within the industry), so I put that in as well. After pitch events, I also put in the names of any editors that were interested in seeing my manuscript once I was agented.
Standard Bio
In my bio paragraph, I put in any writing accomplishments and relative experience I had, as well. as my connection to the themes of the novel. If you don't have any writing accomplishments yet, don't panic! Just let the agent get to know you briefly with that paragraph!
In Conclusion: Every Query Letter is Different
As you can tell, each query letter will be different, and each query letter will have rules to break and rules to adhere to. I just hope that seeing my query letter and analyzing it in-depth helps some of you!
If you're still confused, make sure to check my other posts about writing query letters, look for more advice, and look into a query critique if you really feel you need one!
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